In the days leading up to your wedding there tends to be an influx of guidance-givers. Do this. Don't do this. 10 ways to have the most perfect, blissful marriage in your cul-de-sac. 10 ways to definitely blow up your marriage. The advice goes on and on. |And I guess, in a way, this blog post is yet another piece of marriage advice...sigh.|
However, the one common thread you hear echoed continuously is this: Marriage Takes Work.
When receiving this advice I would politely nod and smile, but all the while silently thinking to myself 'yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it... most marriages take work, but you don't know our marriage. Our marriage will just work on its own because we love each other.'
I thought love and hard work were mutually exclusive - when in fact, one cannot exist without the other. I blame that viewpoint solely on my naivete and lack of actual marriage experience.
And boy was I wrong.
I recently read this article that outlined all of the lessons this couple learned in the first 10 days of marriage alone. I found myself behaving like a proverbial bobble head - nodding, nodding, and nodding, thankful someone else had experience what I had too. I wasn't alone... someone else had totally lost their shi.... I mean, cool when it came to a wet towel being left on the ground. |I swore I would be better than that!|
The amount of hard work necessary to make a marriage successful is never more apparent than when your lives enter a new season, one that you might be slightly unprepared to deal with; a new chapter that stretches your spouse and you to new limits and flips everything you knew to be true about marriage right on its head.
All of a sudden marriage is no longer about sharing a bottle of wine on a Saturday night, running errands together, or staring at all of those lovely entertaining wares you got as wedding gifts with delight and thinking "Wow, these are so pretty. We can't use any of these when your old college buddy Steve comes over... he will definitely break each and every single item. And where on earth does one store 7 cheese trays in an apartment the size of an altoid tin?"
All of a sudden marriage becomes about real stuff. Hard work kind of stuff.
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| PC: inthelittleredhouse.blogspot.com |
It might be a change in jobs or cities, an unexpected accident or illness, or in our case, a change in schools.
My husband Brady is about halfway through nursing school and it hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for us individually, or as a couple. Obviously there is the actual school part that is hard, which is when I start to feel silly for complaining. I am not the one having to study words like "endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatogram". |It's real... trust me, I Googled it and the internet never lies.| Brady is and I might mention he is totally killin' it.
But at the same time I'm over here like "hey, husband, stop studying endoscopic retrowhatever and pay attention to meeeee". I get all needy and such, wanting things to be the way they were before nursing school.
Spontaneous dates. Playing tennis. Forcing him to watch crappy E! News with me. Not this new perpetual thing that has taken over our lives - studying.
We are simply in a season of life that doesn't quite work like that. We need to operate on a regimented schedule |spontaneity and regiments don't exactly go hand-in-hand|; we are creatures of habits right now - up at 5:30, 3 hardboiled eggs for breakfast, pack a lunch and his school bag, ride the light rail down to school, study, class, study, class, light rail home, dinner at 7:00, dishes, study, sleep, repeat. Whew. It's exhausting just typing it and I am so incredibly thankful that he is making this sacrifice for us. |Side note...also suuuuper thankful it isn't me having to do this. I would be the world's worst nurse. I literally pass out every single time I step foot into the hell hole known as the doctor's office.|
We are a bit in survival mode right now and routines like that are the only thing that allows that whole "survival" thing to happen at this point. But, routines like that can make life, and more specifically marriage, feel a bit mundane. A bit dry.
So, what do you do when the season you are in makes you feel like you are in a bit of a Marriage Drought?
How do you ensure that your marriage gets watered? Has life? Continues to grow? Even when every part of the challenge you find yourselves in seems to be sucking all of that out of your relationship?
The answer, like most things with marriage, is profoundly simple yet profoundly contrary to what we are programed to do as humans. |Wait, so you mean I have to tell him I want him to help with the dishes instead of expecting him to receive that desire telepathically? Well that's just ridiculous.|
You must give what you desire.
Here is what I mean... if you feel like the new season you have found yourself in is sucking all of your spouse's patience out of them then you must give them patience. Let your patience cup overfloweth.
If the stress of your new situation has caused your spouse to become less affectionate, turtle shelling into themselves, then you must give them the affection you want to receive.
This concept seemed alien to me when I first heard it; we as humans are so quick to harbor our feelings, emotions, and desires from those who deserve them most when things get hard.
This concept just seems backwards to most of the "rules" we are told to follow in life. I mean I love pizza but that doesn't mean I just keep giving myself constant pizza because I don't feel like I am getting enough of it. We all know that wouldn't end well. I would have to practice moderation or this thing I once heard of called "self-control" |whatever that is|.
But apparently our stomachs and our hearts operate differently. Our hearts and our relationships don't thrive on moderation. Marriage, above all else, calls us to be selfless and harboring from those who we love most just leads to resentment.
So, the next time marriage gets really real, and things start to seem drought-like, identify what it is that you desire in your marriage and start giving that abundantly, selflessly, and without reservation to your partner. I certainly don't have a green thumb but I do know you cannot water in moderation and expect to receive full growth.
Labels: Faith, Marriage & Love, Relationships
